Q. I am 80, and I’m not able to do the things I was doing 4 and 5 years ago. I feel guilty because my children still expect me to be as active as I have always been. Do you have suggestions about ways to slow down without being offensive to them?
A. As people get older, they find that their energy and stamina decreases more quickly. This is a normal part of the aging process. Children of any age may become apprehensive when they observe their parents growing older, and may deny their parents’ diminishing capabilities. One patient I treated still asked his 95 year old mother to do his laundry and ironing.
Explain to your children that you have less stamina. You may still want to help them, but in more reasonable ways. Certainly, they should quit asking you to make elaborate family dinners or to run their errands. As psychologists who work with an aging population, we suggest that you follow the SOC Model (Selection, Optimization, and Compensation) which integrates three processes. First, identify activities that bring you the most pleasure and eliminate those that are not enjoyable, are too time consuming, or seem too taxing physically, mentally, or emotionally. Second, allocate your time and personal resources to pleasurable activities. Third, don’t be embarrassed to compensate for your decreasing energy. This may mean that you ask others for a ride if don’t want to drive, that you turn your yard work over to someone else, or that you no longer go on lengthy vacations. Most of all, remember by the age of 80, you have earned the right to just say “no.”
Q. My elderly mother is becoming increasingly forgetful. Often she can’t remember what she’s had for dinner last night, whether she has taken her pills, or what time she has an appointment. Her doctor says she doesn’t have Altzheimer’s, but I’m concerned and do not understand what is happening to her.
A. Your mother is suffering from two types of memory problems. The first is “episodic” which focuses on remembering information about specific situations. As one ages, days begin to look very much alike. Just ask a retired friend, of any age, to tell you what day of the month it is. Your mother is not encoding some information because it has become more difficult, and it is not of particular importance to her. She also is having difficulty with “prospective” memory which is remembering information about events taking place in the future. As a result, she could have difficulty taking her pills correctly, knowing the time of her doctor’s appointment, or remembering schedules. It may ease your mind to know that an estimated 30 to 50 percent of people over the age for 85 experience some type of memory deficits that are not necessarily related to Altzheimer’s disease.
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There are other factors that could contribute to your mother’s memory problems. Is she anxious? Many older people get upset when they forget where they parked their car at the local mall. People of all ages forget where they parked when their mind is engaged elsewhere. Older people become anxious when this happens because they fear it is the beginning of dementia. Is your mother depressed? If people are depressed, concentration may become difficult, and they may be more forgetful. If you suspect that she is either anxious or depressed, schedule an appointment for both of you to meet with her physician. There are now many safe medications that the elderly can take to relieve anxiety and depression. Reassurance from her doctor will help as well.
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Nancy Ryburn holds a doctorate degree in psychology. She teaches psychology at Southeast Arkansas College and maintains a limited private practice in Pine Bluff. If you have questions pertaining to mental health, e-mail them to drnryburn@gmail.com. The questions will not be answered personally, but could appear in a future column. There will be no identifying information and all e-mails remain confidential.