Q. We have three children who are now adults. Two are successful and have good jobs, but one of our sons is a problem. He cannot keep a job or sustain relationships because he takes advantage of others. We have loaned him money, given him a place to live, and offered to pay for counseling. He does not have a drug or alcohol problem. He just has no motivation. What did we do wrong?
A. Chances are if you have two other children who are successful and are able to function well, then you did nothing wrong. Much information has been written about the ways that a dysfunctional family and environment contributes to delinquency. However, there is little information written about the fact that many children come from exceptional families and become less than exceptional. Not everyone is going to be responsible, motivated, or thoughtful. Some people are going to be lazy, self-destructive, and apathetic. This dichotomy exists because some character traits are genetically hard-wired and often cannot be changed even by the best parental guidance or by the best therapeutic interventions. According to Dr. Theodore Shapiro, a child psychiatrist at Weill Cornell Medical College in New York, “The era of ‘there are no bad children, only bad parents’ is gone.” Since your son is an adult, you should stop enabling him by loaning him money and giving him a place to live. Sometimes people learn to stand on their own two feet only when it is required.
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Q. My wife and I are both on our second marriage. After the first year of marriage, we started arguing constantly. Now I just walk out when she yells. I’m miserable in the marriage as it is, but I really don’t want another divorce. We are not wealthy, so we can’t afford counseling. Do you have suggestions that would keep me out of divorce court again?
A. Your wife and you have fallen into two destructive communication patterns called coercive escalation and demand-withdrawal. First, coercive escalation begins when one partner makes an accusation about the other. The other partner then attempts a one-ups-man-ship by coming back with his or her own accusation. Then the first person responds angrily and the argument escalates. These arguments are often over trivial matters. One couple I treated didn’t speak to each other for two days due to a disagreement over a stopped-up toilet.
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Constant bickering can be exhausting which often leads a couple to the demand-withdrawal pattern. One spouse makes demands, sometimes reasonable and sometimes unreasonable, and the other partner withdraws. The withdrawal may come in the form of sulking, distancing, leaving, or even agreeing to the demands and then not following through. When this pattern begins, virtually all positive communication between the two of you has stopped.
Marriage counseling, even if short-term, will likely help you deal with communication issues. If counseling is not possible, you need to address these problems with each other. The first step in solving your dilemma is for both of you to agree that your marriage is worth saving. The second step is to build some basic communication and listening skills. When you feel your wife has an unreasonable complaint, begin the conversation with words such as, “when you criticize me, it makes me feel inadequate/ angry/ not valued”. These words are more effective, since they are less accusatory, than saying “you’re unreasonable/always nagging me/difficult “. Changing the way you both communicate may not be easy, but you will likely gain a new appreciation of each other and hopefully save your marriage.
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Nancy Ryburn is a psychologist who teaches psychology at Southeast Arkansas College and maintains a limited private practice in Pine Bluff. If you have questions pertaining to mental health, please e-mail them to drnryburn@gmail.com. The questions will not be answered personally, but could appear in a future column. There will be no identifying information listed with the questions and all e-mails remain confidential.