Q. I have been very disturbed about the shooting in Colorado. I read in a report by CNN that the young man had taken a class in which he studied topics such as schizophrenia and depression. Is it possible that learning about a disorder caused him to develop the disorder?
A. It is as impossible to develop a mental disorder by learning about one as it is to get pregnant by studying the human reproductive system. Instead, mental disorders are a combination of nature and nurture. Most psychologists now accept the diathesis-stress model which means that a mental condition arises when a predisposition (genetic inheritance) to a disorder combines with enough life stressors to activate the disorder. This model explains the reason that many people can withstand extremely stressful events with little or no emotional upheaval while others suffer distress from events that are perceived as minor stressors. Whatever mental health problems this young man may be experiencing, they have nothing to do with learning about schizophrenia or depression. He may be diagnosed as schizophrenic, but his “book” knowledge of the disorder did not make him that way.
Q. It seems that I have known many people recently who have had deaths in their families. I never know what to say to them, so I just avoid the entire situation and then I feel too guilty to even call. What should I say to the family and what should I avoid saying?
A. Most people want to hear nothing more than “I’m so sorry for your loss.” They want your company and your concern. Families who have lost a loved one want others around them to make phone calls, to run errands, to help entertain others who are there, and to allow the family some time to deal with their loss.
Unless you know the religious beliefs of the family, you should not say phrases such as “it’s God’s will,” “it was his time,” or “he’s in a better place.” These phrases are almost standard for many people, yet they can be offensive. Someone whose family member just died (especially if the death was sudden) may not be at the place to think “it’s God’s will.” Remember this is about the bereaved family, not your religious belief system. A friend of mine, whose daughter died unexpectedly many years ago, still remembers his despair when someone said, “God needed another angel in Heaven today.” However, if the family talks about the death being God’s will, then it is appropriate to use those phrases and to discuss religious matters.
Independent reporting for Pine Bluff & Jefferson County since 1879.
If you are uncomfortable participating in events immediately after a death, family members often need the most assurance and assistance in the weeks following the funeral. This is the time to make food, run errands, or help with their household chores. One of my friends recalls that after the death of her child, someone came by every few days to do laundry. She said it was the most thoughtful gift anyone could have given during her time of mourning.
If the person is alone after the death of a loved one, visits are often appreciated. Just don’t wear out your welcome or dwell on the person’s death unless the subject is broached. Also, if the person is alone invite them to join in activities. If someone has experienced the death of a spouse, it is extremely important that their couple friends continue to include the widow or widower in social events. Just being there and being a friend is often enough.
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Nancy Ryburn holds a doctorate degree in psychology and teaches psychology at Southeast Arkansas College. She maintains a limited private practice in Pine Bluff. If you have questions pertaining to mental health, please e-mail them to drnryburn@gmail.com. The questions will not be answered personally, but could appear in a future column. There will be no identifying information listed with the questions and all e-mails remain confidential.